There is a class of activities observed in animals that zoologists call ‘displacement behaviors.’ These happen when an animal is experiencing two conflicting desires. A crane will groom itself instead of fight another crane for limited nest-building reeds due to its desire for flock harmony. It is speculated that Bonobos will have sex instead of engage in aggression for similar reasons. I made THIS VIDEO instead of working on my writing.
And I have become intensely obsessed with Eddie Vedder because, duh.
And I cleaned my entire email box.
And I have had a lot of conversations with people in my head about how much I appreciate them or how they drive me crazy respectively.
Why is creativity so scary for me? Why is it so scary that as soon as it comes time to do it, everything evaporates and I am not sure if there is even anything there to begin with or if any of it is worthwhile?
Here it is: My desire for safety and my desire for growth and expression coming right into conflict. My need for a safe and assured love crashing into my need for a bigger, more truthful love.
The content of what I want to write is overwhelming to me. It deals with my father in a tremendously vulnerable way. (Here is where Eddie comes in again: Check out minute 44 of THIS or every micro moment of THIS. ) And generally involves looking back on real experiences of mine in new and uncomfortable ways.
Both desires are strong, but at this point I’m determined to write this thing. It may take a lot more videos, but no matter how many nests I have to build, this is happening. I know that each one of us has something valuable and precious to share. And even if it doesn’t come across in this horrendously self-indulgent video journal, if I keep going, maybe it will come out a few bonobos down river.